Good afternoon, everybody. I am Officer Kobayakawa, of the Bokuto Police Department.
Damn it, Miyuki! Whose idea was it to do this on our day off?
And that… er… is my partner, Natsumi Tsujimoto.
Today we’re going to be speaking on behalf of the numerous gatherings referred to as “anime conventions.”
What?! I got into uniform to tell nerdy basement dwellers how to behave themselves?
Did I say basement dwellers? I meant “fans!” Ahahaha! …I’m boned.
Honestly… As I was saying, anime conventions are a wonderful opportunity for like-minded people to gather and mingle. However, it’s also important to not forget the basic rules of conduct, so that everybody can have fun safely.
That’s right. You don’t necessarily need to let a weekend devolve into mob rule and looting for it to be fun.
Precisely. Let’s begin with the basics. Conventions are crowded places, where many people gather together. Please, do be safe by not pushing or tripping people. Be respectful to those around you.
You never know who you’re pushing, or who’s going to kick your pasty butt!
Even worse, you could hurt somebody!
Like that guy who got in the way of you for that car thing?
That wasn’t just a “thing”. It was a rare 5-gear transmission for the Fairlady! Only two thousand are known to exist in the open marketplace!
Still, you made a guy kiss the floor. Hadda get five stitches.
Of course you did! We’ve the the accident report on file. Still, it’s a perfect opportunity to explain the ramifications of somethin’ like this, eh?
I guess so. How embarrassing…! Moving on! Please, do not run.
In a crowded place, it’s just asking for trouble. Keep the middle of the halls clear, too. It’s a pain in the butt to have to push through fifty tonnes of person to get to where you need to go.
Exactly. Also, parents, please escort your children. Minors under the age of 13 should be accompanied by a guardian.
Because nobody wants a screaming brat that can’t be dragged out of the building!
Absolutely. Stealing is never appropriate.
This one should be pretty obvious… What’s that say? Right. No cutting in line. Cut me off and I’ll drag you outside to kick your sorry-
Right, right… You, uh.. don’t want to… upset the wrong people.
That’s better. This one would be important to you, Natsumi.
They create safety risks, and careless riders could easily harm another individual.
Hmf. Discrimination, I say!
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Fine, fine. I guess we should keep going. Don’t vandalize public property.
Vandalism is a serious crime that carries a potential $400 fine on top of repair costs. Serious offenses could even lead to jail time.
Also, no live weapons. If we can only carry airsoft guns, then why should you get the right to tote fun toys around?
What Natsumi means is that live weapons can injure somebody greatly. Blades can cause serious injuries, and guns could do even worse. Such injuries, intentional or not, carry hefty fines and jail time. Please, leave the deadly weapons at home.
Unless you plan on sharing with us!
Or enforcing your own brand of vigilante justice in the convention, making our jobs easier!
Next up, don’t clutter the hallways when you’re posing for pictures. For the love of god, people are trying to walk. Use the sides of the aisle, or don’t complain when someone pushes you aside. We don’t care if you spent god knows how many hours on that costume of Sailor-Man-Faye. It’s just cloth and annoyance to anyone else. And I swear, I promise to personally rip those wings off next time someone hits me with them.
Speaking of hitting, please leave the… sigh… Yaoi paddles at home.
Yeah. Guys usually don’t like being spanked, unless they ask for it, first. Take it from a girl who knows.
Do I really want to know how you know that?
OK, then. Next up, silly dances, while not against any rules that we know of, are discouraged.
Because nobody, and I mean
wants to see you wobble around in an uncoordinated mess. Actually, that could be funny. But the way you do it, it’s just sad.
Indeed. It’s best to keep the morale high by not depressing people with your terrible dancing.
And last, but not least, for the love of God, SHOWER! I know this is a foreign concept to some of you, who leave your house twice a year, but man-funk is not a sexy scent. I mean, jeeze… do yourself, and everyone else a favor. The soap won’t kill you, and it’ll make life easier for the rest of us.
I mean, really! Is it that hard to-
Thank you, Natsumi. We get the point.
But… but… the stink! It’s like old Campbell’s soup! That’s been sitting on the burner too long!
Fiiiine! Final point. Just go home. Nobody loves you, nobody cares that you’ve seen every episode of Inu Yasha or You’re Under Arrest, and nobody wants to deal with your pimply, overweight, socially inept bulk!
That’s right! We hope you’ve found our lecture today informative. The safer an event is, the more fun it can be. So please, be safe, and take care. This has been a public safety message from the Bokuto police precinct.