The content of this piece was written during a viewing of the first episode of Rio – Rainbow Gate! on January 4, 2011. Edits have been made for spelling and grammar, but the rest is completely untouched, and un-edited from its original format.

Anyone looking for breasts, look no further. Anybody looking for quality, or Duran Duran jokes, your time is better spent elsewhere. I recommend Rescue Me, Mave-chan!

6:15 PM: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to another Thursday night showblog.

6:15 PM: Tonight I’ll be covering something newer than usual – so new that it started running just two days ago!

6:15 PM: This evening’s feature is the gambling comedy, Rio – Rainbow Gate!

6:16 PM: I promise at the outset, that I will avoid making Duran Duran jokes through this. Well, I’ll try to. :P

6:16 PM: Anyway, I’d like to get the basic info out of the way so we can begin.

6:16 PM: Directed by Takao Kato (Sorcerer Hunters [OVA], To Love-Ru)

6:16 PM: Music by Atsushi Umebori (Initial D: Fourth Stage, Murder Princess)

6:16 PM: Character designs by Hisashi Shimura

6:17 PM: Created by Koei (Angelique, La Corda D’Oro ~primo passo~, Dynasty Warriors)

6:17 PM: Animated by Xebec (Alien Nine, Bottle Fairy, Fafner)

6:17 PM: Distributed by [email protected]

6:18 PM: Now that the boring part’s out of the way, let’s get this thing rolling

6:19 PM: …once the Roku finishes loading. Aaaany time now

6:19 PM: There we go – open to a hotel….

6:20 PM: And a (presumably) naked sleeping girl that’s getting intruded on early in the day. Stay classy, Xebec

6:20 PM: “Wanna get a morning coffee? :D ” What a chirpy friend.

6:21 PM: And ferret’s pulling off sleeper’s blanket. Panty shot = 1

6:21 PM: Holy crap – it’s the Monopoly Guy! O_o

6:21 PM: Riding with a loli with a teddy bear, natch. >_> #creeeepy

6:22 PM: “Hollywood resort is just too irresistible :3” uhh

6:22 PM: He’s apparently got a gambling problem. I wouldn’t have guessed. >_>

6:23 PM: Swanky shot of a San Francisco-meets resort town before Mr. Monopoly drops off the kid? Parenting 101 says “Abandon and go gamblin'” -gotcha

6:23 PM: “I hope she likes this place :3” …I don’t know if he’s a creep or… >_>

6:24 PM: The girl seems relatively upbeat though – she’s enjoying her walk, at least

6:24 PM: And more scenery shots.

6:24 PM: As she makes her way to a theater… and a magic show. Fun.

6:25 PM: Hah :D Koei Tecmo boat – I’m half expecting to see cynical Dynasty Warriors or DOA ads strewn about so far

6:25 PM: “I didn’t need to see them put it away T_T Angry girl is angry.

6:26 PM: Blew off two well-meaning people, too >_>

6:26 PM: “We saw the goddess of victory before going to the casino! :D” THAT’S not a thin plot point at all!

6:27 PM: Back to the casino, where a scantily clad girl… her tits rather… are being looked at :P

6:27 PM: Girl’s the “Goddess of Victory” we just heard about.

6:27 PM: And the little girl’s bored – So am I :D

6:28 PM: “I want to see something so exciting my heart would burst D:” …this isn’t the right show, kid. -_-

6:28 PM: Wow – bum rush to the Goddess girl, there. O_o

6:28 PM: And little girl is trying to see her… lots of female ass shots.

6:29 PM: …Just like that, she’s gone.

6:29 PM: Goddess – Rio – has a name, thanks to miss Hollywood Hot Chest

6:30 PM: “Who’s Rio, old lady? :D” Children are SO precious. #Notreally

6:30 PM: Perverted ferret has a name, too. Chip. Get it? Casino? Chip? Yeah… I’m not laughing either

6:30 PM: “Take this girl to your master :3” Smart ferret

6:31 PM: And someone apparently wants that ferret… that’s leading a little girl into the pit, and a life of gambling addiction that will end badly.

6:31 PM: They really try to make it seem like these places don’t smell like Ben Gay and failure.

6:32 PM: And ass shots.

6:33 PM: Everybody she walks by is winning. Goddess of Victory, indeed!

6:33 PM: “Where’d she go? D:” follow the screaming people, kid -_-

6:33 PM: “Everyone’s excited :O” Yeah – they’re actually not sucking and losing. :P

6:34 PM: Looks like the two girls the little girl blew off earlier are bunny girls at the casino. Coincidence! #NotReally

6:34 PM: And we finally see Rio up-close… she seems friendly

6:34 PM: Girl has a name now – Mint

6:35 PM: …Howard looks like the Metropolis Maker from Metropolismania… after he let himself go

6:35 PM: And Rio’s in a fetish-y maid outfit. This is just getting worse and worse.

6:36 PM: Oh yes – panty shot = 2

6:36 PM: “You told me to wear this! D:” THAT MAKES IT WORSE!

6:37 PM: Rio’s gift – she can kill tension and bring good luck to players. As if this wasn’t obvious before

6:37 PM: Shit’s gonna get real. Yakuza is here to catch the girl

6:37 PM: Rio can kick serious ass when she wants to, apparently .

6:38 PM: …That was disappointing.

6:38 PM: “I found something amazing! :3” …you’re the only one, Mint. >_>

6:38 PM: Mid-show analysis – this really seems to be the bottom of the barrel for cheesecake shows.

6:39 PM: It’s like they’re just forcing the characters into ways to frame perfect T&A shots, and get the female cast into fetish gear.

6:39 PM: So far, not sold

6:40 PM: Anyway, back to the show :D And… another panty shot. So… panty shots = 3

6:40 PM: And we have Mint rattling off Rio’s 3 sizes. >_>

6:40 PM: Rio’s surprisingly polite… and now Rio wants to know why Yakuza wanted Mint’s teddy bear. I’m guessing cocaine.

6:41 PM: More fetish-y shots of Rio. “The owner forced me to do it. >_>” that poor, poor girl.

6:41 PM: Back into the pit, they go.

6:42 PM: With more T&A shots as Rio enters.

6:42 PM: And sends out… some sort of energy wave… what the fuck.

6:42 PM: And away she goes to the roulette table.

6:43 PM: Looks like some guy’s betting his girlfriend’s love on a roulette spin. Hey, big spender!

6:43 PM: “I can’t make up my mind D: ” clearly. -_-

6:44 PM: And Rio’s chatting with the ball… I knew she had to have some issues somewhere.

6:45 PM: Now she’s giving gambling advice… and it paid off :P

6:45 PM: …big time

6:45 PM: “GOOT JOBU RIO! :O” Engrish is fun

Orlin Dunhill - Not quite Yakuza, not quite pimp, all pathetic.6:45 PM: Yakuza pimp’s back for the cocaine bear

6:46 PM: Guy’s name? Orlin Dunhill – kind of ah… plain. >_> Anyway, he wants to gamble, so let’s see him lose “Unexpectedly” or something.

6:47 PM: Hollywood Hot Tits has a name now – Rosa Canyon

6:48 PM: If Rio wins, we find out about cokebear and the guy leaves… if she loses, he gets cokebear and Rio strips. Hardly an even match, there

6:48 PM: “Didn’t you say you’d help me? D:” Wow… that kid is REALLY taking advantage of her

6:48 PM: And the owner… wants it -_-; Creepy bastard

6:49 PM: …More fetishism – Rio in a wedding gown. What the fuck.

6:49 PM: “It’s a ritual :3 To make her one with the game” … … … uh… right

6:49 PM: God this sucks -_-

6:49 PM: “MY WIFE LEFT ME FIVE MINUTES BEFORE ME WEDDING >:o” … you shouldn’t be proud of that, bub >_>

6:50 PM: …And he got creepy again.

6:50 PM: Game: Poker.

6:51 PM: Talk about being overdrarmatic. The guy’s throwing cards all over the damn place like it’s some bad… … … oh.

6:51 PM: “I’m going for four queens :3” uh… he’s determined to get the ladies in his life, apparently >_>

6:52 PM: Rio trades a card and-BITCH BE GLOWING O_o

6:53 PM: It’s like a bad fighting anime now… numbers and cards flying everywhere! Did they put LSD in the freakin’ water supply or something?

Creepy Joker on a bike!6:53 PM: …Creepy joker on a bike!

6:53 PM: “Hi :D” she seems casual about a drug fantasy

6:54 PM: “I’m pathetic with women but the women of the game obey my every word! >:o” ….again, Pimp yakuza – not a good thing to advertise

6:54 PM: Seriously – I’m at a loss for words – and not in a good way

6:55 PM: Looks like he found his queens… and so did Rio

6:55 PM: “I WIN! >:o” – No ya don’t.

6:55 PM: He got a shit hand. :D

6:56 PM: Rio has a pair of twos… that’s a pretty pathetic loss for Yakuza pimp, actually.

6:56 PM: Now – the mystery of cokebear is to be solved!

6:57 PM: …Orlin’s a plushie freak and a loser, too. Come on D: That’s just pathetic and sad – pathetisad?

6:58 PM: “I wanted to be comforted by it ;-;” … … …

6:58 PM: Bear’s made in China – Orin fails at women, cards, AND doll collecting

6:58 PM: And Rio’s hugging him and uh… not doing a great job of comforting… but it works.

6:59 PM: “She’s so cool! :3” …not really

6:59 PM: “Won’t you be my big sister? :3” Mint has issues.

6:59 PM: And Howard got his show after all. O_o off comes the dress

6:59 PM: And credits..

7:00 PM: Frankly, this is pretty damn terrible.

7:00 PM: The plot it stupid, the characters are paper-thin, and the whole CONCEPT is just… it’s a huge freakin’ waste

7:02 PM: They turned what could have at least been a fun dramatic action/suspense show and turned it into a shallow, creepy cheesecake series.

7:02 PM: And the whole LSD-fueled end sequence? Just takes you right out of the show.

7:03 PM: Unless they really change things up, I don’t see myself continuing this one.

Rio – Rainbow Gate! is currently available through Crunchyroll.